


What I've Become

by BadgersQueen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:33:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2325581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadgersQueen/pseuds/BadgersQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a one-shot I wrote like a couple of days after S9's finale aired. Dean waking up in the bunker & having only Meredith to talk to & finding out he's become the one thing he's hated the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I've Become

**Author's Note:**

> Meredith is my OC & belongs to me.
> 
> Dean Winchester & all things Supernatural are not mine & do not belong to me.

In many ways Meredith MacLeod was grateful that she had been left alone in the bunker. Sam had gone to meet with Castiel and Crowley had other business to attend to. Her husband had left in a great hurry after coming down the hallway from Dean’s room. She tried to ask him what had happened but he had just kissed her and told her he’d be back soon. Fifteen minutes after this however, Dean Winchester walked groggily into the kitchen. He was rubbing his eyes and massaging his jaw. The redhead turned around and looked at him.

"I look that bad huh?" Dean wanted to know, laughing slightly.

His eyes had clicked back to their normal green/brown-ish color. She had expected the usual black obsidian but she figured he’d managed to turn them back without knowing it. Maybe. She smiled at him.

"Do you remember anything? About last night?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"I remember Metadouche stabbing me and blacking out", Dean told her, walking over to pour himself a cup of coffee, "And then just now your creepy ass husband of a douche was standing in my room acting like Christmas came early", he paused, "Other than that, your guess is as good as mine".

Meredith grabbed herself a cup of coffee and the two went into the bunker’s small dinning room off the kitchen and sat down at the table. Sitting opposite each other. “Sam called me and told me they have Metatron imprisoned”, she told him, “Castiel brought him down but…at a price”. 

"And what’s that?" Dean wanted to know.

"Gadreel sacrificed himself", She moistened her lips, "Metatron is imprisoned, Abaddon is dead, the gates to heaven have been found, and-"

"And?" Dean just shook his head and sipped his coffee, "There’s always an and", he muttered into his cup.

Meredith could hear the cold heartless tone and yet it was still the sarcastic wit that Dean always wore on his sleeve. She managed to laugh just a little and leaned her arms on the table. “Crowley saved your life”.

Dean spit his coffee back into his own cup and looked at her, eyebrows raised, “Excuse me? Crowley did what now?”

"After Sam brought you back here, he went downstairs and started to summon Crowley but I brought Crowley here the minute Cas called me to inform me that you’d-" Meredith stopped herself. 

"Passed out! I passed out! I didn’t die, okay?! What? You guys think I died?! And Sam…Sam almost what? Sold his soul to save me?" Dean wanted to know.

"Dean-" Meredith threw up her hands in defense.

Dean stood up, upsetting his coffee but he didn’t care and sent it smashing to the floor. He turned and looked at her, “Tell me right now what you THINK happened last night!”

"Cas informed me that you were dead and I brought Crowley here so he could save you! Or at least try! Sam couldn’t even bring himself to summon him!" Meredith explained, standing up, "Sam wanted to! He told me. He said he couldn’t do it because he wanted Crowley dead and he didn’t trust him".

Dean pressed his lips together, putting his hands down on the table and bowed his head, looking down towards the floor and shaking his head back and forth for a second. Trying to recall last night and this morning. Wondering where all those hours had lapsed together. He glanced up at her after a moment or so. “What did Crowley do?” 

"Dean, I-" Meredith started to say.

But Dean came around the table and shoved her to the wall, “You tell me right now what that son-of-a-bitch did!” He looked at her firmly, “Cause I as hell sure didn’t just walk away from a stab wound last night. That wound should’a killed me. I remember seeing blood. Lots of blood”, he paused, “I need to know”.He let her go and backed off, realizing he was getting angry at the wrong person. She didn’t do anything wrong. Not to him. 

"I don’t know what he did. He never told me. All he did was go down and see you and then he came back and told me he had to run a few errands and he left", Meredith breathed calmly, swallowing in her throat, "He said he’d be back soon".

"Is Sam here? Cas?" Dean wanted to know.

Meredith shook her head, “Sam went to meet Cas. Cas thinks your dead and Sam thinks your dead. Sam thinks I think your dead. Nobody knows your awake or alive or that I brought Crowley here to help”.

"Well this is just awesome”, Dean waved his arms, speaking sarcastically of course. He felt the mark pumping against his right arm and he took his next fit of anger out on his friend’s coffee mug, grabbing it and hurling it against the room, hitting the wall. 

"Dean-" Meredith tried to say.

A second later Dean’s eyes clicked as though a light from calm to pissed had blinked on and he turned and looked at her. She put her hands over her mouth, grey eyes wide. He stared at her, wondering what had gotten her so spooked. He frowned slightly and then went to the nearest mirror, which was in the kitchen. Meredith could hear the mirror smashing within seconds. 

"No!No!No!" Dean shouted, "This is not happening!" He stormed back into the room and then went off into the sitting area.

Meredith followed behind him, looking worried. She nearly walked into him as he’d stopped mid-step into the other room, She could hear him breathing hard, as though trying to calm himself down. Dean turned to her after a second or so. He didn’t need to ask if she was there, he could sense her. 

"I don’t have a beating heart, Mere. I’m not hungry", Dean shook his head, "I feel like a douche wade sandwich", he added, staring down at his own hands, "Please tell me this isn’t happening".

The redhead just stood there, not sure how to answer. She just looked at him sadly, giving him the answer he didn’t want. She couldn’t lie to him or tell him something he wanted to hear. He needed the truth and the look in her eyes was all that he needed. Dean tilted his head, sliding his tongue against his upper lip. 

"Great", Dean muttered, "I’m a freak. I’m a blood thirsty, killing, douchey freak!"

"No you’re not", Meredith told him.

"Look at me! I’m an undead son of bitch! I’m like your no good human soul eating husband! I’m something I’ve hated my entire life", Dean gestured with his hand at nothing in particular, "I died and this is what happens to me?! I’ve been saving lives for years. Me and Sammy and you and Cas and this is what I get thanked with?!" He put his hands on his hips and and paced the length of the room, "No. You know what? No. This is fair punishment for me. All the horrible crap I’ve put you and the others through. You, Sam, Kevin-"

"Dean, stop!" Meredith replied.

"No. I can’t. You know why? Because I’m awful person! The last thing I said to Sam was "I’m proud of us". That’s a lie. I’m proud of him. I’ve always been proud of him. Me? Noooo. I’m not proud of anything I’ve done. Booze. Women. The food I’ve gorged-“ 

Meredith went up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, “Dean, listen to yourself, this has got to stop. You’re still you-“

The black eyes clicked back to normal and Dean just stared at her. His brain was buzzing and trying to fight off everything going on inside of it. Why was she even defending him? His lips trembled for a moment and his eyes started to water. He closed his eyes and shook his head. Slowly slipping through her fingers and dropping down onto the floor. The elder Winchester sat on his knees, shoulders shaking. He reached up and took her wrists. 

"I’m not me. Not anymore. I’ve tried. I wanted to help stop Metatron and I tried", Dean swallowed, trying to push the back the tears, "I wanted to redeem myself for Sam. All the crap I’ve put him through this past year. And I failed. I deserve to be dead. I don’t want to become a monster. I can’t do this", he said, gazing up at her, his eyes clicked back to ward off the sobs and tears that shouldn’t be there. "I’m not me anymore, Mere. I’m the bad thing that you should be running away from. And I’ll never be me again".

Meredith took Dean’s face in her hands, staring back at the shiny black eyes where his warm and caring eyes once were. She saw past the demon portion that had ultimately taken over. She saw through the soul that was the parasite of the Mark of Cain. “You’re still the bravest man I know. You’re still Dean Winchester. And all the hate and self loathing is not going to change the fact I still care about you. We’re going to make it through this. And you’re going to be fine”, she smiled at him, not allowing her emotions to get in the way as she pushed back the urge to tear up.

Dean just closed his eyes and wrapped his arms about her waist and pressed his face into her stomach. Meredith wrapped her arms around her friend and ran her fingers through his short hair. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head and felt him hug her. She believed part of him was still there whether the demon part wanted it or not. Meredith dropped down to her knees and enveloped him into a full hug. His eyes clicked back after a couple of seconds and he felt calm again. Not the same kind of clam the blade gave him but a different kind of calm. 

“He said to feel what he feels”, Dean thought to himself, now realizing he remembered Crowley talking to him before, “So this is what’s it like to be comforted by a human”. In a small way, it was sad, having to think that. But Meredith had always been good for it. So he was glad that it was her comforting him. He didn’t know what he’d do once he had to face Sam or Cas.

But at least she believed he was still him when he knew in fact he’d never be himself again. Dean wondered if she was in denial about it, believing there was some way to reverse it. He wanted to laugh at her naive stupidity but he couldn’t bring himself to. She was the only friend he had.

For now.


End file.
